It's just hitting me how much I've changed. It's like I'm Melanie Beta, new and improved.
I care more about people's feelings, without having it completely over-take me and I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I'm finding it easier to be just me, and not what people expect me to be. It's so liberating to just live for yourself and not anyone else.
I just wish I wrote more. I used to spend my days nights writing stories and poems in my notebook. It's so disapointing, the only time I really write now is when I write with Britt, and even that isn't even ment for others' eyes. I just wish I could write something successfully now, to just have words pour from my imagination onto paper.
Today was To Write Love On Her Arms day and as I walked aroung with my TWLOHA tshirt and with L O V E written on my wrist, I couldn't help but be reminded of those times that I felt so dark. I really hate thinking about it because it reminds me of how weak I was, how desperate to find a place in which I belonged. I honestly don't think that I could ever come to terms with that time in my life, and actually embrace it as a lesson learned. It's so against what I believe in now, and as cliche as it seems, the me that I am now hates who I was back then.
Have you ever looked back on something you did and cringed visibly? Ugh, when I think of what I did to myself I just wince and mentally tell myself how much of a dumbass I was.
Enough about that, I have no idea how guys view me here.
I've always thought of myself as a girl you'll love after you get to know. But then again, when I intitially thought that, I didn't really care about my appearance much. And I didn't really have to, the people that I saw everyday in high school I knew since elementary school and middle school. They've seen me in my ugly duckling phase, with my braces, big glasses, and tacky uniforms.
Lol it's such a drastic change from then to now, I kind of want some male appreciation. I'm convinced that these white boys aren't used to my kind of fly yet. I'm definately not like the J.Crew and Abercrombie girls here, but I love that. I'm more urban outfitters and Betsey Johnson. I'm actually starting to think that I'm above some of the guys here.
They're way too pretty and I don't like pretty guys. At all. lls
College Update:
I love Pearl Jam now!
I'm going to see Paranormal Activiy tonight. I'm mentally preparing myself as I type lol.
I have an 8 page paper due tonight but I'm probably not going to turn it in until tomorrow afternoon.
I'm starting to get sick of going out every saturday night...
My floor's doing Secret Santa and I really do not want to get a guy :(
Sister Hazel's coming tomorrow and my friends and I are going to drink before-hand, thus making the concert bearable. Good times.
This has been a MelanieDanielle Production.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Beast- The Fugees
Does racism exist?
Fuck yes.
In my seminar class a few students got up in arms about the holocaust and it's effects. The question of whether Polish and Russian jews had basis on their racist views against Germans was posed and it had me thinking.
Is the Holocaust held above Slavery in the minds of White Americans? And if so, why?
My answer to this is yes. The Jewish kid that was the most passionate was the same kid that asked me during the first week of school whether it was okay for him to call me a Nigger if I could call him a Kike, a term that I've never heard before in my life. Apparently it's a racial slur for Jews. This brings me to what really gets me angry.
It seems to me that White America would rather sympathize with the Jews who either endured concentration camps or are the descendents of concentration camp victims than sympathize with blacks who are the descendents of slaves. It's weird to see this happen in person; it's almost as if slavery has been reduced to a concept that makes Whites "uncomfortable", therefore it should be swept under the rug and never talked about, even though it's effects are obvious.
For example, it just came out that one of my White friends has been saying Nigger really heavy. It hurts because I really thought that we were cool and it's shocking because he has a Black girlfriend. Apparently he used it once as a joke, but that wasn't what everyone else said. I don't talk to him anymore because I refuse to lower myself to be friends with someone who might be calling me a Nigger Girl behind my back.
This relates to my point because I find it frustrating how they can accept how Russian/Polish hold prejudice against Germans because of one horrific act but frown upon Blacks being prejudiced against Whites for more than 300 years of de facto and now systematic racism. Slavery is almost a joke these days, and that's really sad.
Okay, my rant is over. I just found that really frustrating and surprising. But honestly, I really shouldn't be surprised about these things. Apparently I was more sheltered than I thought as far as racism was concerned.
College Update:
Sister Hazel is coming to my school. I have no idea who the fuck they are.
I've fell in love with The Fugees all over again, and I wonder how I've functioned without them.
I need to meet more Black people. Stat.
I kind of miss high school.
I'm starting to see myself changing into a more mature person, and I love it.
This has been a MelanieDanielle production.
Fuck yes.
In my seminar class a few students got up in arms about the holocaust and it's effects. The question of whether Polish and Russian jews had basis on their racist views against Germans was posed and it had me thinking.
Is the Holocaust held above Slavery in the minds of White Americans? And if so, why?
My answer to this is yes. The Jewish kid that was the most passionate was the same kid that asked me during the first week of school whether it was okay for him to call me a Nigger if I could call him a Kike, a term that I've never heard before in my life. Apparently it's a racial slur for Jews. This brings me to what really gets me angry.
It seems to me that White America would rather sympathize with the Jews who either endured concentration camps or are the descendents of concentration camp victims than sympathize with blacks who are the descendents of slaves. It's weird to see this happen in person; it's almost as if slavery has been reduced to a concept that makes Whites "uncomfortable", therefore it should be swept under the rug and never talked about, even though it's effects are obvious.
For example, it just came out that one of my White friends has been saying Nigger really heavy. It hurts because I really thought that we were cool and it's shocking because he has a Black girlfriend. Apparently he used it once as a joke, but that wasn't what everyone else said. I don't talk to him anymore because I refuse to lower myself to be friends with someone who might be calling me a Nigger Girl behind my back.
This relates to my point because I find it frustrating how they can accept how Russian/Polish hold prejudice against Germans because of one horrific act but frown upon Blacks being prejudiced against Whites for more than 300 years of de facto and now systematic racism. Slavery is almost a joke these days, and that's really sad.
Okay, my rant is over. I just found that really frustrating and surprising. But honestly, I really shouldn't be surprised about these things. Apparently I was more sheltered than I thought as far as racism was concerned.
College Update:
Sister Hazel is coming to my school. I have no idea who the fuck they are.
I've fell in love with The Fugees all over again, and I wonder how I've functioned without them.
I need to meet more Black people. Stat.
I kind of miss high school.
I'm starting to see myself changing into a more mature person, and I love it.
This has been a MelanieDanielle production.
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