It's just hitting me how much I've changed. It's like I'm Melanie Beta, new and improved.
I care more about people's feelings, without having it completely over-take me and I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I'm finding it easier to be just me, and not what people expect me to be. It's so liberating to just live for yourself and not anyone else.
I just wish I wrote more. I used to spend my days nights writing stories and poems in my notebook. It's so disapointing, the only time I really write now is when I write with Britt, and even that isn't even ment for others' eyes. I just wish I could write something successfully now, to just have words pour from my imagination onto paper.
Today was To Write Love On Her Arms day and as I walked aroung with my TWLOHA tshirt and with L O V E written on my wrist, I couldn't help but be reminded of those times that I felt so dark. I really hate thinking about it because it reminds me of how weak I was, how desperate to find a place in which I belonged. I honestly don't think that I could ever come to terms with that time in my life, and actually embrace it as a lesson learned. It's so against what I believe in now, and as cliche as it seems, the me that I am now hates who I was back then.
Have you ever looked back on something you did and cringed visibly? Ugh, when I think of what I did to myself I just wince and mentally tell myself how much of a dumbass I was.
Enough about that, I have no idea how guys view me here.
I've always thought of myself as a girl you'll love after you get to know. But then again, when I intitially thought that, I didn't really care about my appearance much. And I didn't really have to, the people that I saw everyday in high school I knew since elementary school and middle school. They've seen me in my ugly duckling phase, with my braces, big glasses, and tacky uniforms.
Lol it's such a drastic change from then to now, I kind of want some male appreciation. I'm convinced that these white boys aren't used to my kind of fly yet. I'm definately not like the J.Crew and Abercrombie girls here, but I love that. I'm more urban outfitters and Betsey Johnson. I'm actually starting to think that I'm above some of the guys here.
They're way too pretty and I don't like pretty guys. At all. lls
College Update:
I love Pearl Jam now!
I'm going to see Paranormal Activiy tonight. I'm mentally preparing myself as I type lol.
I have an 8 page paper due tonight but I'm probably not going to turn it in until tomorrow afternoon.
I'm starting to get sick of going out every saturday night...
My floor's doing Secret Santa and I really do not want to get a guy :(
Sister Hazel's coming tomorrow and my friends and I are going to drink before-hand, thus making the concert bearable. Good times.
This has been a MelanieDanielle Production.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Beast- The Fugees
Does racism exist?
Fuck yes.
In my seminar class a few students got up in arms about the holocaust and it's effects. The question of whether Polish and Russian jews had basis on their racist views against Germans was posed and it had me thinking.
Is the Holocaust held above Slavery in the minds of White Americans? And if so, why?
My answer to this is yes. The Jewish kid that was the most passionate was the same kid that asked me during the first week of school whether it was okay for him to call me a Nigger if I could call him a Kike, a term that I've never heard before in my life. Apparently it's a racial slur for Jews. This brings me to what really gets me angry.
It seems to me that White America would rather sympathize with the Jews who either endured concentration camps or are the descendents of concentration camp victims than sympathize with blacks who are the descendents of slaves. It's weird to see this happen in person; it's almost as if slavery has been reduced to a concept that makes Whites "uncomfortable", therefore it should be swept under the rug and never talked about, even though it's effects are obvious.
For example, it just came out that one of my White friends has been saying Nigger really heavy. It hurts because I really thought that we were cool and it's shocking because he has a Black girlfriend. Apparently he used it once as a joke, but that wasn't what everyone else said. I don't talk to him anymore because I refuse to lower myself to be friends with someone who might be calling me a Nigger Girl behind my back.
This relates to my point because I find it frustrating how they can accept how Russian/Polish hold prejudice against Germans because of one horrific act but frown upon Blacks being prejudiced against Whites for more than 300 years of de facto and now systematic racism. Slavery is almost a joke these days, and that's really sad.
Okay, my rant is over. I just found that really frustrating and surprising. But honestly, I really shouldn't be surprised about these things. Apparently I was more sheltered than I thought as far as racism was concerned.
College Update:
Sister Hazel is coming to my school. I have no idea who the fuck they are.
I've fell in love with The Fugees all over again, and I wonder how I've functioned without them.
I need to meet more Black people. Stat.
I kind of miss high school.
I'm starting to see myself changing into a more mature person, and I love it.
This has been a MelanieDanielle production.
Fuck yes.
In my seminar class a few students got up in arms about the holocaust and it's effects. The question of whether Polish and Russian jews had basis on their racist views against Germans was posed and it had me thinking.
Is the Holocaust held above Slavery in the minds of White Americans? And if so, why?
My answer to this is yes. The Jewish kid that was the most passionate was the same kid that asked me during the first week of school whether it was okay for him to call me a Nigger if I could call him a Kike, a term that I've never heard before in my life. Apparently it's a racial slur for Jews. This brings me to what really gets me angry.
It seems to me that White America would rather sympathize with the Jews who either endured concentration camps or are the descendents of concentration camp victims than sympathize with blacks who are the descendents of slaves. It's weird to see this happen in person; it's almost as if slavery has been reduced to a concept that makes Whites "uncomfortable", therefore it should be swept under the rug and never talked about, even though it's effects are obvious.
For example, it just came out that one of my White friends has been saying Nigger really heavy. It hurts because I really thought that we were cool and it's shocking because he has a Black girlfriend. Apparently he used it once as a joke, but that wasn't what everyone else said. I don't talk to him anymore because I refuse to lower myself to be friends with someone who might be calling me a Nigger Girl behind my back.
This relates to my point because I find it frustrating how they can accept how Russian/Polish hold prejudice against Germans because of one horrific act but frown upon Blacks being prejudiced against Whites for more than 300 years of de facto and now systematic racism. Slavery is almost a joke these days, and that's really sad.
Okay, my rant is over. I just found that really frustrating and surprising. But honestly, I really shouldn't be surprised about these things. Apparently I was more sheltered than I thought as far as racism was concerned.
College Update:
Sister Hazel is coming to my school. I have no idea who the fuck they are.
I've fell in love with The Fugees all over again, and I wonder how I've functioned without them.
I need to meet more Black people. Stat.
I kind of miss high school.
I'm starting to see myself changing into a more mature person, and I love it.
This has been a MelanieDanielle production.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
(I Don't Want to Go to) Chelsea- Elvis Costello
Here I am alone in my dorm room, which is one of the only half full ones in my hall. Everything is quiet in the wake of Reading Days, which is a completely foreign concept to me. Patrick Hall, my floor especially, is one of the most alive freshman dorms, in my opinion, on campus. We even have different unofficial themes to our floors. Floor 1 is video games, Floor 2 is sex, Floor 3 is drinking and Floor 4 is smoking weed. I just wanted to share that random fact.
Life for me has been pretty cool lately. Other than the fact that I've been sick as hell for the past couple of days, my trip home was awesome. I've already accepted the fact that coming home is strictly family time, much like I've accepted the fact that friends forever is basically meaningless, thus bringing us to the main topic of today's blog.
Just to be clear, I am not bitter over the fact that I do not talk to most of my friends from High School. I'm the type of person that loves the one I'm with. It's very easy for me to allow the old friends that I don't see anymore to float to the wayside, as unhealthy as that might be. However, I know that people will move into and out of my life for different reasons and, not to sound like a Hallmark card, but I'm pretty thankful for the times that I had with them.
Now it's time for me to act crazy with other people ;)
College Update:
That gross smell was the fish bowl.
Being sick is not fun.
My fish died this morning.
I kind of think I like living without my roomate. (No offense if you're reading this, Mer. It's so peacefull here...)
More college updates when this place isn't so deserted.
Life for me has been pretty cool lately. Other than the fact that I've been sick as hell for the past couple of days, my trip home was awesome. I've already accepted the fact that coming home is strictly family time, much like I've accepted the fact that friends forever is basically meaningless, thus bringing us to the main topic of today's blog.
Just to be clear, I am not bitter over the fact that I do not talk to most of my friends from High School. I'm the type of person that loves the one I'm with. It's very easy for me to allow the old friends that I don't see anymore to float to the wayside, as unhealthy as that might be. However, I know that people will move into and out of my life for different reasons and, not to sound like a Hallmark card, but I'm pretty thankful for the times that I had with them.
Now it's time for me to act crazy with other people ;)
College Update:
That gross smell was the fish bowl.
Being sick is not fun.
My fish died this morning.
I kind of think I like living without my roomate. (No offense if you're reading this, Mer. It's so peacefull here...)
More college updates when this place isn't so deserted.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Party in the USA- Miley Cyrus
I'm starting to view Miley Cyrus as a reputable artist now. And it's all because of Party in the USA. I first heard the song on the commericals for her Wal Mart clothing line (which actually has some cute clothes!) and it sounded ridiculously catchy, so I itunes-ed it and fell in love. Her vocals are amazing, the music is amazing, and the editing is to die for. All in all, it's the perfect pop song!
Party in the USA also held back the homesickness that could've came when I first moved in. I mean my situation and the situation that's described in the song are essentially the same. Miley sings about being a moving to a place in which she is the only one of her kind, or at least as she sees. Which brings me to the topic of today's blog: It's weird as hell being one of the only black girls that I know.
There is only two black people on my floor: myself and my friend Yaa. Having gone to predominately black schools all my life, the concept of there being about 15 white people to every black person is completely foreign to me. And Blacks are so different to Whites, too!
Take my roomate and I, for instance. Whereas I may listen to some 90s R&B for a throwback she'll put on some old school folky music. I know that's a really over-said comparison but it's still true. And when we watched Oprah when her and Chris Rock was talking about Black hair care, her jaw dropped at the fact that an average Black woman would spend majority of her day at the salon, and that the hairdresser does everything to her client's hair.
I'll keep writing about this topic, because it really interests me: Two culturally different people are picked to live in the same room. What happens when people stop being polite, and start GETTING REAL!
Real World: College
College Update:
My room stinks and I know it's not my fault.
The squirrels here are fearless warriors who go apeshit on any mere human who tries to challenge their reign on campus.
Astrology class has a 3 hour lab. FML.
I'm coming home for the next two weekends!
My dad would rather argue with me than tell me that he misses me.
Me and my friends brought 4 fish two days ago.
One of said fish died yesterday.
This has been a MelanieDanielle Production.
Party in the USA also held back the homesickness that could've came when I first moved in. I mean my situation and the situation that's described in the song are essentially the same. Miley sings about being a moving to a place in which she is the only one of her kind, or at least as she sees. Which brings me to the topic of today's blog: It's weird as hell being one of the only black girls that I know.
There is only two black people on my floor: myself and my friend Yaa. Having gone to predominately black schools all my life, the concept of there being about 15 white people to every black person is completely foreign to me. And Blacks are so different to Whites, too!
Take my roomate and I, for instance. Whereas I may listen to some 90s R&B for a throwback she'll put on some old school folky music. I know that's a really over-said comparison but it's still true. And when we watched Oprah when her and Chris Rock was talking about Black hair care, her jaw dropped at the fact that an average Black woman would spend majority of her day at the salon, and that the hairdresser does everything to her client's hair.
I'll keep writing about this topic, because it really interests me: Two culturally different people are picked to live in the same room. What happens when people stop being polite, and start GETTING REAL!
Real World: College
College Update:
My room stinks and I know it's not my fault.
The squirrels here are fearless warriors who go apeshit on any mere human who tries to challenge their reign on campus.
Astrology class has a 3 hour lab. FML.
I'm coming home for the next two weekends!
My dad would rather argue with me than tell me that he misses me.
Me and my friends brought 4 fish two days ago.
One of said fish died yesterday.
This has been a MelanieDanielle Production.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Seven Years- Saosin
I'm Melanie. I'm in college. I'm unique.
As I get older I'm discovering how hard it is to catagorize people. Even though I'm trying to follow the whole "Labels are for Soup cans" idea, it's so hard. I mean I look in my hall and see stoners, hippies, jocks, and brooding rockstars. Which leads me to my general question: Where do I fit in in all this?
Not to sound mopy or, God forbid, emo but I don't see a label when I look at myself. And while that has the potential to be a good thing, I can't help but think that being labeled is a very exclusive club. All the jocks practice together, all the artsy people draw together, the stoners smoke weed together, all the rockers jam together. The unique...do nothing? What do we do? Do we encroach on other labels' pastimes? Are we just in the way of the status quo?
This is a very valid question. Even the term "unique" is exclusionary, for what is "unique" but a characteristic that isn't seen in other people? An occurance limited to one time only? Something never seen before and never will be seen again?
Enough of me waxing poetic on the troubles of being a "unique and beautiful snowflake", it's time for a school update.
I recieved either an A or a B on all papers I've turned in.
I have friends who actually laugh at my jokes (Who would've thought?)
I'm failing Pre-calculus (Don't say anything, I'm just as shocked as you are. It's Pre-fucking-Calculus!)
I've gotten tipsy for the first time and drunk dialed.
Frat boys are weird.
My next door neighbors are crazy stoners.
I'm calling college "home".
I kind of wish I was back in RHS.
College food is amazing.
I miss home.
oh! and I'm putting cool songs as titles because I can. :)
This has been a MelanieDanielle production.
As I get older I'm discovering how hard it is to catagorize people. Even though I'm trying to follow the whole "Labels are for Soup cans" idea, it's so hard. I mean I look in my hall and see stoners, hippies, jocks, and brooding rockstars. Which leads me to my general question: Where do I fit in in all this?
Not to sound mopy or, God forbid, emo but I don't see a label when I look at myself. And while that has the potential to be a good thing, I can't help but think that being labeled is a very exclusive club. All the jocks practice together, all the artsy people draw together, the stoners smoke weed together, all the rockers jam together. The unique...do nothing? What do we do? Do we encroach on other labels' pastimes? Are we just in the way of the status quo?
This is a very valid question. Even the term "unique" is exclusionary, for what is "unique" but a characteristic that isn't seen in other people? An occurance limited to one time only? Something never seen before and never will be seen again?
Enough of me waxing poetic on the troubles of being a "unique and beautiful snowflake", it's time for a school update.
I recieved either an A or a B on all papers I've turned in.
I have friends who actually laugh at my jokes (Who would've thought?)
I'm failing Pre-calculus (Don't say anything, I'm just as shocked as you are. It's Pre-fucking-Calculus!)
I've gotten tipsy for the first time and drunk dialed.
Frat boys are weird.
My next door neighbors are crazy stoners.
I'm calling college "home".
I kind of wish I was back in RHS.
College food is amazing.
I miss home.
oh! and I'm putting cool songs as titles because I can. :)
This has been a MelanieDanielle production.
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